Losing my mind
by Blind Truth
Summary: From Sirius's point of view, he narrates the events from when he was in Azkaban.


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Author's note: This is my first fic about Sirius. Its an attempt for me to get to know the character more as its one of the ones I don't really understand. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think. I love to know how people perceive my work and whether they would change anything. I'm planning on doing a couple more chapters, but may expand it further, depending on what people want.

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Disclaimer: They're not mine. They're J.K.'s and I'm not making any sort of profit out if it. Its purely for fun.

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Dedication: For Airin, to whom I can tell anything. And for Bally for inspiring me to think of this.

Losing My Mind.

"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

The screaming continues on and on and on. I shut it out as normal. Its like that here, in Azkaban. Sometimes I feel like screaming too, but I hold off. Sometimes I change. It helps me keep my mind. There is nothing to do except stare at the ceiling, or the walls, or the floor, or out of the window to gaze upon the violent ocean crashing against the rocks of the island. Sometimes they'll let you have books and stuff. They let relatives bring them. I don't have any. It's cold too. The thin blankets barely keep me warm. I dose.

~

I can feel it again. More than normal. They must be coming round with food again. Food, well at least its what they call it. I begin shivering. Its worse when they're close. Far worse. Soon they get to my cell and push the food through the bars. I stay where I am. They move on. Why did he do it? When they are far enough away I get the food and take it to my bed. I sit and try to read a book whilst eating. Someone died for me to get that book. I try not to think about how soon it would be before I go mad. The food is disgusting but I force myself to eat it. The screaming gets louder than ever. I block it out.

~

Something is happening today. I think its an important visitor. There are more dementors around than usual. Its far worse, and I struggle with sanity. No. Innocence. Slowly it gets better. Fudge walks past. He stops to see how I was doing. Me, the notorious number two of Voldemort. I almost laugh. I see he has a newspaper with him. I ask him if he's finished with it. The crossword is always fun to do. He hands it over. He seems a little shocked. Perhaps it's the atmosphere. I sit down and read.

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I can't believe it. It can't be. But it is. Peter. And at Hogwarts. What is he trying to do? Harry. It must be. The traitor lives. I am so angry. I want to hit something. I cannot. If I do, the dementors come. I must keep my emotion under control. Calm. Think. What to do? Stop him. Must stop him. Can't. Mustn't overreact. Change. Transform. Better. I feel the need to get to harry, to warn him. I hope he doesn't know about me. If he does, he will hate me. 

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Later I go back to reading the rest of the newspaper. There is a small article at the back. Remus Lupin is taking up a teaching position at Hogwarts. I feel pain. Once I loved him. Then I thought he was the spy. Now I am here and he is free. My lover. It has been a while since I thought of him. When I first came all I did was think of him. About how wrong I was. I laugh softly to myself. All I can do is laugh. I want to murder Peter, and all I can do is laugh the pain away. 

~

A couple of weeks later I've lost weight. I can't eat. I'm worried about what Peter will do. Perhaps nothing. I think he's been there for a while. He can't have done anything yet. I have to get to him. I have to show the world I'm innocent and didn't kill him. The question is how. I ponder that thought for a while. All I know is I have to get out and stop him before he causes more damage. I know I'm thin. Perhaps thin enough to squeeze through the bars. I transform and try. Its tight but I make it. I squeeze back in. I have to wait for the best time. Wait till there aren't so many guards around. Wait till everyone is asleep. 

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Midnight comes and passes and it grows quiet. The time has come. I'm excited and scared. I transform and slip through the bars. Quietly I pad down the corridors. I get lost once, but backtrack and find my way out. The air is salty. It tastes of freedom. I make my way down to the beach. The waves crash against the rocks. I gather my strength and step into the freezing ocean. It's a long way. The waves sometimes go over my face. Once I get out to sea, it's a bit easier. It takes me about an hour to get to the mainland. I lie on the beach exhausted. 

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End file.
